Too

I’m down to my last 3 days as a resident in the Department of Medicine. After a very busy week due to the series of Christmas parties, lectures, preparations for the graduation ceremonies, and endless meetings I had to attend and facilitate, I was finally down to my most reliable company: myself. Last night, I was finally back to my much appreciated and usual state of solitude.

I closed down the office, dragged along two bags of stuff I had accumulated in my little cubicle during the past year, and went home to my cluttered and messy apartment. I was a bit fulfilled but a bit depressed, a bit angry but still a bit optimistic, my brain was a battlefield of my warring selves. I had too much in my mind. Imagine a computer with too many programs running all at the same time. My mind was that way last night. No wonder it just conked out. “The computer is not responding”, the screen said. “Do you want to shut down?”

Yes, I needed to turn this computer off! So without even brushing my teeth or washing my face, I jumped into bed still dressed, stared for a few minutes at the ceiling and then fell asleep.

I woke up 14 hours later, in a rush of energy and panic. Too much to do, too little time. Too much done, too much left out. Too much left unsaid, and too many words uttered. So many people to thank, but a number of people lost with too great a value. Too much, too little, too fast, too soon, too short, too quiet, too timid, too cold, too attached, too far, too intense, too apathetic, too loose, too drastic, too hopeful, too… stop it!

I forced myself out of bed, took a quick bath and got dressed. I got myself two cups of coffee. Played “Tuloy Pa Rin” on my iPod. Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko… Too jologs. Too sentimental. But I had to convince myself, anyway. So I turned the repeat mode on and the song just kept on playing, over and over again. Handa na akong hamunin ang aking mundo pagkat tuloy pa rin, tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko…

Perhaps I’m convincing myself a little too hard.