Save Our Eggs, Save the World

photo from www.ibiblio.org

Last weekend, my good friend C arrived from her 1-year adventure in The-Land-Down-Under. The girl who used to be “stuck in the middle of nowhere stranded without a map” has evolved into a full pledged explorer, and after losing 60 lbs, she has transformed into one hot, independent woman unafraid to face the unknown, willing to take risks, able to stand her own ground.

To celebrate her arrival and to pay homage to the new babe, the rest of the Five-O'-Clock Club from way back residency days gathered together in the spirit of our usual nonsense conversations, romance-bashing, and nostalgia tripping. Despite my recent bout of the dumps and the solitude fever (defined as an incapacity to generate amusement from any social contact of any kind), I dragged myself out of my apartment to spend time with the group. As usual, it was the callroom all over again.

Feeling like the girls from Sex and the City (all of us self-proclaimed beautiful, fabulous, smart and SINGLE), we settled in a not-too-crowded cafe in a nearby mall to catch up on our lives, plan adventures, and save the world. And finally, we were able to come up with a feasible and easy strategy to save the world from complete annihilation.

After due discussion on the current unnatural and extraordinary state of our affairs, we have identified the problem and came up with a resolution. A plan to save the world.

The problem:
The world is in a state of crisis. An emergency, in fact. More urgent than global warming. More disastrous than the swine flu pandemic or the global economic crisis. This is a catastrophe, ultimately debilitating, possibly leading to the extinction of humanity. There is a shortage of men!

The evidence:
In the Philippines, the average marrying age for Filipino women is 24. My friends and I belong to the 28 to the 32 years old age group. Hence, we're way beyond the average! We're among those who raise the value to a higher number. While most women are getting married and bearing children during their early 20s, we have remained single since birth, with our eggs gradually going into senescence and decay day by day!

In 2006, world population data revealed that men outnumber women by 33 million! Where have all these males gone then? If there are more men in the world than women, why aren't there any men around in this vicinity? Now, we can migrate to the Arab nations (where the male to female ratio can go up to 2.1:1) and live in the desert so we can trap a man. Or decide to do something less pathetic - we can save the world using the same principles as saving the environment. After all, men are natural resources, too. And they're scarce, limited, and very valuable.

Hence, this is what we propose. The solution: REDUCE, REUSE, and RECYLE.

photo from www.davidberman.com

1. REDUCE
Reduce your standards. Perhaps the greatest marker for maturity (or perhaps desperation) is the length of your list of requirements for your ideal man. So cut the list short. Focus on the essentials.

When I was a teenager, my list was as long as an entire yellow paper, filled back to back, or even longer. Handsome, tall, sense of humor, smart conversations, faithfulness, stable job, well defined ambition, mabango, plays a musical instrument, good singing voice, plays basketball, and the list goes on and on. When I was 20, my list was a lot shorter and a lot more serious: tall, smart, sense of humor, taste for adventure, good conversations, strong spirituality, sense of family, financial stability, emotional maturity, and a few more. When I reached 25, my list was even cut a lot shorter, to only include my few non-negotiables: straight, taller than me, loves the Beatles, spiritual maturity, good text grammar and spelling (!). Still, there was no qualified applicant.

At 28, my list is down to three: tall, straight, and loves the Beatles. Still, there was none.

So at 29, I'm down to one: Genetically XY! (Phenotype, not important anymore)

(Kung wala pa rin, ewan na talaga!)

2. REUSE
Assuming that your friends share the same save-the-world philosophy, this shouldn't be much of an issue. If they date someone they don't like, they should set this guy up with their friends, which includes you. Since all of you have reduced your "requirements", there will be few expectations and a much lower chance for disappointments. Date someone you don't like? Set him up with your friend.

For instance, in my Five-O'-Clock Club, we plan to deck according to age: Soltera Mother J comes first and then Hotel-Queen-With-a-Secret, and so on, until Princess Z's turn comes. Princess Z has never really cared for the phenotype even before so even if the guy turns out to be a complete fag, she's going to madly fall for him. In the end, there's really not much trouble. If this decking doesn't work, try doing it alphabetically. In this case, I go first.

The point is, don't keep the precious resource to yourself. Share. Reuse what other people have used. Just make sure he's not HIV positive.

3. RECYCLE
Dig up your old loves and see if you can still recycle them. Put an end to unfinished businesses. Rekindle old flames. Search through Friendster or Facebook and see if your old flame is single. If he is, send him a note. Buy him a few drinks. Make the first move. If he doesn't bite, do something drastic. Slip an "E" pill in his dessert or drop an Ativan in his drink. What's your medical license for if you don't use it to acquire date rape pills? If it doesn't work the nth time, don't forget to set him up with your next-on-deck friend.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Very simple tips to save the world from complete annihilation. Very easy to say. Quite feasible. Practical, imaginative. We will get a Nobel Prize for this.

The girls and I ended up laughing the entire rainy afternoon away. The plan was too simple. Perfect. The coffee was good. The company was fantastic. There is a crisis of sorts. And we're right smack in the middle of it. So it's time for drastic measures. Time to turn over a new leaf. To kick off the inner manang and morph into a Sex and the City babe with condoms ready in our wallets. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Save our eggs. Save the world.

We said our goodbyes. Then reality came back. Even now, I am sure that as each of us was walking away from that cafe that afternoon, we were thinking of our own lists and how each was never really cut short, only modified. We were thinking of how we would protect each other from dates from hell at all costs and how we can never really be insincere enough to waste time and conversations on someone we don't like. We thought of all of the men we loved, those who broke our hearts or dashed our hopes, of affections only momentarily requited or never at all, and we knew we'd rather keep them in our secret boxes, and allow our wounds to totally heal.

The world is in a crisis. There is a scarcity of men. Our eggs face an inevitable extinction. Our mitochondrial genes stand no chance of being perpetuated. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Very easy.

Hah! Yeah right. Who am I kidding here?

Some dreams should not cease being dreams. Our eggs can die. Our hopes should not. Some princesses simply need their knights in their shining armors, though the armors can come in different styles. We do. And the world will quake for each of us. Hopefully, soon enough.