This is my last post for the day, I promise.
I was answering a referral at the 7th floor and was on my way back to the CVS office at the 6th floor when I met a woman wearing a shirt with the words "Big Girls Don't Cry" boldly painted on it. And so feeling very prolific and inspired, I went to my computer rather excited because I found another bright idea to write about.
I was born big, and I have been big for my entire conscious life. For as long as I can remember, I was always the tallest girl in class, always the last in line, always the one to play the part of a boy when there's an excess of girls during a class presentation. Because of this, I have learned to play the part of the big girl - the one the boys can't hurt, the one who always fought back, the one who never needed help. I was the one girl who can join boys during boy talk, the one who can talk dirty with them, the only girl spanked in public by teachers for drawing lewd caricatures on school walls.
Aside from being big, I'm also overweight. And I have been that way for as long as I can remember. I have endured taunts from insensitive people during parades when I was in grade school. "Pssst, baboy." Or "Day, day, gibiyaan ka sa kusina?" At a young age, I learned how the world can be so insensitive and ruthlessly cruel even to children. And so I've learned to schedule toothaches and diarrhea during school parades and somehow managed to avoid more jeerings from the heartless crowd.
Because of my size, I grew up hating proms and dresses and high heels and fancy dinners and dates. Back in high school, it was always difficult to find a boy who would be happy to be stuck with a big fat girl when there are other dainty pretty girls around. It was also always hard to find a dress that fits, or a shoe that's big enough.
As if those repercussions of being big during childhood and adolescence were not destructive enough, my "BIG" curse persisted even during adulthood. (Ugh! As if I have a teeny-weeny bit of self-esteem left.) Until now, I'm still bigger than most women. The shoes are easier to find, but the dresses are still scarce and the men are even scarcer. So I've learned to be the independent one, the one who can travel the country's most remote towns alone, the one who always does things on her own.
There are several advantages of being big. For example, big women have lesser mortality from myocardial infarcts (literally!), plus we have lesser chance of osteoporosis because we have bigger bone densities. And I'm not saying I regret being built this way. I enjoy my size and I'm proud of the person I have become. And I know I'll never be this way if not for my bigness.
But the world should know that big girls DO cry. And when we do, we definitely have bigger tears.
George O'Hearn: Beautiful women are invisible.
David Kepesh: Invisible? What the hell does that mean? Invisible? They jump out at you. A beautiful woman, she stands out. She stands apart. You can't miss her.
Geroge O'Hearn: But we never actually see the person. We see the beautiful shell. We're blocked by the beauty barrier. Yeah, we're so dazzled by the outside that we never make it inside.
-From the movie, 'Elegy' (2008)