Tonight, I'm temporarily saying goodbye to life. Life as I knew it, at least.
My temporary and short-lived bumhood has prepared me for this. I'm totally psyched out for weekend-less months, sleepless nights, tired legs, an all new fried up brain. I'm ready to receive insults from people I look up to, to again feel that my best will never be good enough, to lose confidence again and again and be reduced to the lowest rung in the ladder, to be stupid and know nothing at all. I've kept my backpack in a corner and stopped planning out-of-town trips, stored DVDs in a closet and arranged 5kg books in their place. I've started jogging along Roxas Boulevard again, practiced waking up at 5AM. My white coats are all pressed and immaculate. My stethoscope is clean. My pens are full.
I admit there is an intense trepidation, a strong undeniable hesitation. Am I doing the right thing? Am I here for the right reasons? Would I be able to finish what I'm about to start? What type of person will I end up becoming?
Something tells me I'm here for the wrong reasons. Three months ago, after a trip to Dumaguete, I woke up in cold sweat, certain that there's unfinished business yet to be dealt with. Hmmm, unfinished business. Perhaps the nature of that is evolving, it starts out as something and morphs into something else. I only hope that even if I started out with the wrong reasons, everything will turn out to be right. I know they will.
A good friend once said that some decisions need not feel right. They just have to be right. This is one of those choices made that both felt right, and are right. After all, how often does one get Jerry-Maguire moments?
So tonight, I'm saying goodbye to life as I knew it. As Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones said, "Anything worth doing is worth overdoing." This is my chance to redeem myself. And I will.
It's time to heal some hearts... I'm starting with my own. Tomorrow morning, I'm again getting off my boat and start walking on water.
I might not be able to update this site anymore. Just imagine how much time people spend on blogs. If one checks his site for 1hr 4 times a week, that's 4 hours in a week and more than 300 hours in a year - enough time to get me to a secluded island cove somewhere. But it's been fun. And I'm grateful.