Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Shaking Off the Blues

I realized that the best way to shake off the ultimate post-travel gloom and all its attendant difficulties is to find something that will occupy the better part of your time, something more important than your thoughts and all the false realities it deludes you to believe. Last night, I woke up with that Jerry-Maguire type of frenzy - cold sweat, words that flowed out ceaselessly, epiphanies you might call them. I shivered, I had alarming palpitations, I paced around my office like a mad man, I relentlessly argued with myself. Then I made up my mind.

I am not going home. Not yet. I am not turning my back on perfect opportunities to learn. I am not putting my backpack aside this early in my life. I am using my Lonely Planet as soon as another chance to wander comes along. I am not putting my life on hold because I'm scared I wouldn't like what it would offer me. I am not putting a ceiling on my growth just because I think I've already been given too much. I am not saying 'no' to more chances to be better.

I love to teach so I am teaching. I love my patients so I am making rounds. I love this hospital so I am going on duty again. I am going to hit my books and read and memorize and analyze again. I will learn, I will teach, I will suffer sleepless nights, I will endure humiliation. I am willing to go through it all over again.

The load on my neck is heavy. But I will not go home to sulk and forget. I will face every scary situation waiting for me, head on.

This was a surprise decision. It was a Jerry-Maguire thing. A manifesto that came in the middle of the night. Unnerving. Explosive. But with it came a sense of peace. Early this morning I talked to people, my mentors: Homer, Dr. Dans, Papa. Then the next move was all mine.

This morning I fixed all my documents. Then I submitted my application for post-residency fellowship. I am now all set and psyched up for three more years, if they take me in. Adult Cardiology.

It's time to fix some hearts. Literally this time.=)

4 comments:

rayms said...

Really? Mag Cards ka? WOW!!! That's a big decision mother! Congratulations!!!:).

Good luck mother! Kaya yan! No REGRETS!:)

Walking on Water said...

Raymond,
yeah. hopefully i'd stick to it this time. this is the first time i broke off from my chronic pattern of decision-making (remember? hehe). totally counter-culture.
so i guess i'll see you around in the next few years. i'll probably rotate under you in the Section of Hypertension soon.=)

dr_clairebear said...

good luck, jean! a bit unexpected coming from you, but i'm pretty sure you know what you're doing. :P or maybe not.

one of these days you'll have to tell me how this came about. akala ko Endo or Rheuma ang tinitignan mo? :)

Walking on Water said...

claire,
you know whenever i get depressed, i always get a haircut? my hair is now too short. so i applied for fellowship instead. hehe. i broke my mentor's heart though.=(