Report Cards and Lots of Nonsense (For No-Nonsense Pisay Scholars)

Ms. Legaspino, my beloved teachers, students, parents, my loyal friends and Pisay batchmates, good morning.

First of all, I would like to tell you how grateful and honored I am to be invited here to speak to you today. If you saw how I was giggling last night when I arrived at the old dorm and how I was smiling to myself while having my pork chop dinner at the old cafeteria, you would have thought I’m crazy. This school will always have a special place in my heart and I know it will always have a special place in your hearts too. This was where I learned to fix my bed, where I was forced to eat vegetables and discovered they’re actually not too bad, where I learned the habit of segregating my utensils in the sink after eating in the canteen, where I developed the attitude of coming to a meeting on time and expecting others to be on time as well. (Sa lahat ng nakakarelate, raise your hands.) This is also where I learned some of life’s painful truths such as: If you procrastinate and don’t submit your Research paper on time, you won’t be able to take the finals (Like I didn't). If you eat too much extra rice, you’ll gain weight (Like I did). If you watch an R-18 movie in the mall, your teachers might catch you because more likely they’re watching it too. It is beyond my wildest imaginations that I will be coming back here, 14 years after my graduation, to speak in front of people I love, my former teachers, and you – the hope and future of this country.

I would like to start this speech with a disclaimer. I could not understand why I was chosen to give today’s inspirational message. In my batch, I’m probably the only one who’s still practically financially struggling and economically deprived, I still haven’t gone out of the country, I wasn’t elected in a topnotch government or corporate position, I didn’t even establish my own company. In other words, I haven’t done anything extraordinary (at least not yet), I’m not rich, I’m not famous, and to top it all off, I’m already 31 years old and still very much single! Now that you know that I am just an ordinary person, I hope you indulge me with the next 15 minutes of your time. I promise I will do a good job wasting it.

When I was applying for medical school in UP straight out of high school, that's the INTARMED,  the admissions committee asked us to write an essay. The instructions said: describe what you learned in high school. My answer was a one-liner: I just wrote, “I grew up.” Bentang benta. I got into UP Med. When I was in UP, somehow my being a graduate of Pisay Mindanao brought a sense of security and confidence. I was a very shy student then. Most of my classmates were from Manila and a lot of them were from rich families and they were really sosyal. During our first day of classes, they asked, “Hi, where are you from?” I proudly said “Pisay”. There were no further questions. Being labeled as a graduate of Pisay enables you to have an edge over most of your peers. I warn you however, that it does not guarantee success. In the end, it is still hard work, diligence, efficiency, lots of prayers and a bit of luck that will get you somewhere.

I graduated from PSHS-MC Batch 1997. We were the 6^th batch who graduated from this school. At that time, we had no gym. In fact we graduated in that small open stage in what you now call the ABD (Area Between Dorms). During our time, that was just the dark spot between the dorms where the boys flirt with the girls or the other way around. As dormers, after dinner we used to hang out in the academic building, waiting for our turn to call our parents using the only pay phone available in the campus. That area of the pay phone was significant to every dormer then – that was where we asked for extra allowance, where we made prank calls to radio stations, where we mingled with other dormers and copied their homework while waiting in line. Now you don’t need pay phones anymore. There’s the easy access to anyone through cellphones, the internet, and of course, Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook. Let me tell you about how this fantastic social network actually helped me make my speech today. I made a survey among my Pisay batchmates few weeks ago. The question was: what was the most important thing high school in Pisay taught you? Here are some of the most interesting answers: "You are the cream of the crop!" “To whom much is given, much is expected.”, “Don’t be a victim of circumstance, be a victor!”, “Pin your ID, dong!”, “Kung haploid ka noon, haploid ka pa rin ngayon. Kung corny ka noon, mas lalong corny ka ngayon.” And here’s an unforgettable line from Mam Medy Egasan: “Kung saan mas malaki, doon ang bukaka”. If you want to read more of my batchmates’ responses, just visit our Facebook page. The name is Livewires ’97. You would be amazed at how we still remain in contact with each other after so many years. In fact in Facebook, we achieve a rare feat: a 90% complete attendance!

Given these hilarious responses, perhaps some of you will ask me, what happened to science and math? Where does excellence come into the picture? If this crazy speaker is telling us that everything her batch learned in high school is nonsense, what’s the use of our kids’ Pisay education?

Ladies and gentlemen, let me defend my batch. Let me prove to you that all this nonsense that are probably running in these students’ minds right now are actually the things that matter. As I was going through my batchmates’ responses, I realized that there were some very important facts that I wish some adult should have taught me when I was in high school. I now summarize these into 5 important points.

Point number one. If you are still uncertain about what you want to be or what you want to do in the future, or if your goals are still blurry and are not yet well-defined, then, congratulations! High school is not a factory that manufactures ambition for its students. It is an adventure where young minds discover their dreams, realize their capabilities, and slowly master their weaknesses. Take it slow. Savor your growing up years. Open your minds to new experiences. Fall in love. Lose. Make mistakes. Fail. Succeed. Allow your experience in Pisay to be an adventure of self-discovery. Gradually, your priorities will emerge and you will find out what is important to you.

Point number two. You may be the cream of the crop, but in the real world, you will eventually find out that the crop is huge and there is actually a humongous variety of creams out there. In other words, sorry to disappoint you guys, but you are not the only cream of the crop around. So many other people are. Being a Pisay student gives you a distinction, a certain style of packaging that is appealing than the usual. But in the end, it’s the content that matters. This is your chance to develop that content. Learn the virtues of hard work, perseverance, and leadership while you’re here. Develop your people skills, learn to communicate and empathize. If you are a dormer living away from home, maximize your independence. If you are a city scholar, appreciate the comforts of living with your family. That way, you will develop an edge – an attitude and a personality that would set you apart from the other geniuses out there. Above all these, let your years in Pisay teach you humility, and may these years equip you with the knowledge that you may be smart but other people are smarter, but you will succeed anyway.

Point number three. If you think you are a nerd, a bit eccentric, a bit weird, or even a bit abnormal, don’t despair. Be thankful that you’re different! High school is mostly a struggle to fit in, to blend with everybody else, to keep up and be accepted. But when you get out of high school and become an adult, the struggle to fit in disappears and life becomes a struggle to be different. You will eventually find out that a little bit of craziness will come in handy as you go through your life. In 1997, the year we graduated, Apple, the creators of Ipod and Mac, came up with a very nice commercial. It went this way: “Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward.” So if you are one of these crazy ones, go ahead, remain crazy. Nurture that craziness and you will change this world one day.

Point number four. Consider everything you have now and be thankful. I didn’t realize this until I got out of Pisay. Take a look at this very nice gym, your topnotch and award winning teachers, your sprawling campus that looks like a garden. You may not realize this now, but you are very lucky. Millions of students in this country study in dilapidated and decaying schools, they don’t have books, they don’t have teachers. Many more Filipino children could not even go to high school at all, even if they want to. But you are here, with the name of Philippine Science High School forever written in your CVs, with opportunities for the best colleges and universities in the country already within reach. Think about all these tremendous prospects you have. Now count these blessings and make a promise to yourself that one day you will give something back. Your country needs you. Your people are counting on you. One day, you will be an excellent scientist or a brilliant inventor, a wealthy entrepreneur, or an inspiring teacher, or a responsible parent. You can even fade away to anonymous greatness. But whatever your dreams are, I really do hope that you make serving this country a part of those dreams.

Point number five. There is something I would like all of you students to do: when you get to your classrooms later and receive your grading cards, don’t believe them. Now wait! Before you throw me out, let me explain. Grades measure knowledge, not creativity and imagination. They measure your skills in memorizing facts and rationalizing mathematical or scientific problems, but not your inventiveness. They measure hard work and effort but not your passion. Grades measure your scholastic aptitude, but not your attitude. I’m not telling you that grades are not important. I’m just telling you that your report cards have a tendency to underestimate your capabilities. Therefore, don’t let them limit your opinion of yourself. Understand that you are definitely more than what your report cards tell you.

So my dear students, those are my five nonsense tips for you. Let me run them down one by one. First, if your future is still blurry, leave it that way. Second, you are not the only cream of the crop so you better stand out. Third, go ahead remain crazy. Fourth, be even crazier and strive to make this country better. Fifth, don’t believe your report cards, they underestimate you.

Before I end my talk, let me warn you about something really important. After so much has been said about high school, I would like to leave you with the most important gift I received from Pisay that I still carry with me until now. And that is the gift of friendship. For the past 18 years, my batchmates from Pisay have become my family. Even after high school was over, they were my solace when I was homesick, they lent me money when I was broke, they cleaned up my vomit when I got so drunk. They are even here to listen to me talk today, and they will certainly be the first and the loudest to applaud even if I didn’t do a good job talking. So my dear students, take a look at the people around you. Now, I want you to talk to your nearest batch mate and tell him or her, “Hey. Sorry, but it looks like you would have to be stuck with me for the rest of your life.”

To the teachers, thank you for staying around despite all opportunities abroad, and for making these students’ stay in this campus a truly exhilarating experience. To the parents including my parents, thank you for allowing us, your children, to be part of this adventure.

Let me end by sharing what a batchmate wrote in my Facebook survey. He wrote, and I quote “When it comes down to the important things, you can only learn so much from an academic institution. Nobody teaches you how to make new friends or how to keep the ones you have; how to love and how to say you're sorry; how to make important decisions like what you're going to do for the rest of your life, or whether or not there is a God. Pisay never taught us the answers. What it gave us was a chance to try and find out our own answers in this little autonomous world that it allowed us. It became possible that people of like minds should meet and eventually build relationships that would span time, distance, and whole generations.”

Thank you and may God bless you all.

* Speech delivered during the 23rd Recognition Day of Philippine Science High School Southern Mindanao Campus. March 22, 2011, Sto. Nino, Tugbok District, Mintal, Davao City.

*This speech (and the speaker) was much inspired by "Don't Believe Your Report Cards", a speech given by Dr. Antonio Dans to Ateneo High School Graduating Class of 2007. Some parts may therefore look familiar. Thank you sir!

*Special thanks to my good old friend, Anton Agustin, for the insightful response to my Facebook survey. The last quote belongs to him.

*My deepest gratitude to my teachers from Pisay Mindanao for the warmth and the sincerity of their reception. I will always look up to you wherever life leads me.

*To Daryl and Joms who have stayed on in Pisay, as our batch's contribution to its great vision, you make me so proud. You inspire so many young minds more than you'll ever know. To Ronelli, who wasted one day of her precious vacation (her birthday at that!) to be around, your craziness was the inspiration for Point #3. You and the rest of the Mangots brought out all my lovely abnormalities. I owe you my life, and my occasional insanities. Thank you. And to Ronan, who stayed around, from the anticipation, to the making of the speech, all the way back to Digos until my much awaited galunggong meal, you disprove the notion that familiarity breeds contempt. You are the best. Then, now, and whenever after.

Coming home to Pisay dorm. Me, Ronan, Ronelli, Joms.:-)

Solitude Is Overrated

I have been traveling around this country alone countless times and was actually enjoying it. However, my latest sojourn to Donsol, Sorsogon this weekend awakened me to a painful but inevitable truth. It required no thought provoking epiphany, no huge disaster such as a tsunami, and not even a frightening brush with my mortality . I just woke up in a bus this weekend, alone, and with no one to talk to. And I realized, I am way past my schizoid soul-searching phase. It's about time for me to raise the white flag and admit that I too, am human and that I am a social being, who, just like everybody else, is need of somebody. This led me to my one pathetic but irrevocable proclamation: I don't want to travel alone anymore!

To hell with my restlessness, to hell with my profound desire to "know thyself". What I need is good reliable company, some one to talk to and argue with, somebody to blame when we both get lost or end up in a decrepit hotel, somebody to scold me whenever my gullible self gets fooled by the local travel outfit's promotional offers or whenever I give the local boatman more than enough money (like I often do). I need someone who will let me pay his half of the tricycle fare but who will pay for my lunch just because I also insist on paying for his.

I don't need any more adventure. I've already had enough in my young life. This time, I want to be bored, really bored! I want to be made stuporous by lackluster stories I've heard over and over again. I want to be disgusted by somebody's snoring or how that somebody just doesn't change his clothes everyday! I don't need excitement. I want to enjoy something familiar this time! I want somebody who will stop me from having the locals' best delicacy and instead get me to eat the local street food, someone who will eat the liver and fat parts in my pancit canton that I place on the side of my plate, or who would prefer canned tuna over that famous breakfast plate made my that Swiss restaurant next door.

I don't want any more "me" time. I'm having so much of that already. I want someone to drink beer with, someone who will actually search for me when I go out in the middle of the night to drink alone, someone who will actually worry about me when I drink too much and somebody who will actually get mad when I don't heed his worries!

I don't want to be that strong-independent-woman-who-does-as she-pleases anymore! I don't need that company who will let me go where I want to go and let me do as I please. I don't want him who lets me explore the other side of the beach while he discovers the other side. I don't need that company who encounters me walking a street of a small town and so he walks the other way so I could have my space. I need someone to walk with me even when I insist on doing my walks alone. I need company who knows that no one can stop me from walking under the rain whenever I want to, so he will walk with me instead.

I need someone to travel with. But first, he must know that he is dealing with one extraordinary woman who has already done so much more traveling than most women her age (plus some other stuff that this silly shallow world commonly regards as "success"). He must also understand that I am a clumsy, stubborn, hardheaded, moody, impulsive, gullible, schizoid, temperamental traveler who sucks at making plans and sucks more at heeding and remembering directions. But he will travel with me anyway. Maybe because he has had enough of solo traveling himself. Or maybe because traveling with me makes solitude an overrated silly entity travelers look forward to.

On Beer and Porn

I'm in a depressed mood lately. There's just no decent soul to talk to, no one to complain and rant to, no one to get drunk with. Not that I tried to tell anyone that I'm in need of any company at all. Nah, acting needy like a damsel in distress just to get a little bit of sympathy is just not me.

I'm supposed to work on some research today. Plus, written on my planner are several tasks lined up: study for tomorrow's hemodynamics conference, read my backlog ECGs, finish Austen's Pride and Prejudice, have my evening run along the boulevard. But here I am, after long hours of social voyeurism (aka Facebook) and contemplating about meantime girls and the ultimate downfall of the literate woman, I decided to write another mediocre blog entry.

Maybe I should call some old reliable good friends. Surely, one of them hot intelligent beer buddies of mine is available for some brew tonight. Hey, let's have a couple of beers later? Anybody tired of working on weekends? How about a movie? Let's just talk over coffee perhaps?

Before I can even decide on who to text, a window pops up on the CVS computer's screen: Download of XXX failed. Eeeepppp! Somebody's been downloading porn in this computer! And since I'm the only one who practically lives here, that makes me the primary suspect.

Waaaahhh! I better get out of here.

Master Teacher

One of the country's strongest pillars of cardiology passed away today. In faithfulness to this creepy law of nature that requires most great doctors to usually succumb to diseases of their own specialty, he died of heart failure after battling against it for the last decade or so. Few days ago, while giving a lecture to more than fifty budding cardiologists, Teacher had a ventricular fibrillation that was initially aborted, but that eventually led to his rapid deterioration and subsequent demise. After many years of listening to him and looking up to him with awe during my training, and finally, my recent heart-to-heart conversations with him this past year, I am quite sure that that was how he wanted to go. The man literally died teaching. He wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Many months back, after his lecture with the students that left him almost out of breath, he told me, "Jean, gusto ko pa kayong turuan. Malapit na akong mamatay. Ang dami ko pang gustong ituro." I remember him holding my arm that day, as he slowly walked the hallways of the wards, while telling me, "Noong araw, lahat ng pasyente dito, pinakikinggan ko ang puso. Ganun ako natuto." His frail hands used to grip my arm for balance as we climbed the stairs that time at the College of Medicine when he insisted on teaching first year medical students the art of heart auscultation. At that time, I used to tell him, "Sir, magpahinga na kayo" but he told me, "Kelangan kong ipasa ang alam ko."

Leora, Jill, Teacher, and me. July 2010.

I last saw him last October, when, after his preceptorials with the students, he gave me his old book on cardiac physical examination and told me to write a summary of important points as guide for students. I still have the book to this day. Our last conversation was about growing old - how you must love and enjoy medicine, because when you're old and when your children have lives of their own, Medicine is where you get solace. Doing and teaching Medicine will be your source of satisfaction and fulfillment. A week later, during our last OSCE, as we were about to start, Teacher called me, and in a very weak voice said, "Jean, kumpleto na ba consultants mo? Sorry ha, di ako makakapunta ngayon. Ang sakit ng likod ko. Pero kung kulang ka pa, sabihin mo lang. Pupunta ako jan."

I never saw him again. During the past months, he had been in and out of hospitals. Together with some co-fellows, I have been planning to visit him, partly to talk about the old days and the birth years of PGH Cardiology but partly to just hold his hand and thank him for everything he has taught me. I never had the chance.

Now, he is gone. But all over the world are hundreds of Filipino cardiologists and internists, and thousands of other physicians he had taught. Many generations of UP graduates will forever remember his green jokes, his witty antics, his logical comments when everybody thought he was fast asleep during a conference, and how he always goes back to the basics (even claiming that the echo or the xray is wrong!).

Dr. P was already old enough to quit teaching, but he never did. Today, our teacher, our physical examination guru, our human 2D-echo has finally retired. His legacy will live on.

Teaching rounds with the great cardiologist. "The best diagnostic tools that a doctor has are his senses." - Dr. Gregorio Patacsil, Jr.

I have thanked him many times, but I have never thanked him enough, and I never will. All I can give him is a promise: that I will teach as I had been taught. Sometimes, the only way we could ever pay someone back is to pay it forward.

Single Blessedness? Or Wretchedness?

Having been deprived of any serious committed relationship all my life (and deficient of even those non-committal ones), I have spent countless times thinking about the benefits and the detriments of being single. Thirty Valentine's Days have come and gone, and as usual, I spent the last one at work, not because I wanted to avoid the traffic or the congested restaurants, but because work is just what I do all the time (what the heck!). I spent the last Valentine evening staring at my textbook, without shifting the pages, wondering: if my fairy godmother suddenly appears in front of me, would I want to be un-single?

Hmmmm. Couples everywhere. Go to a moviehouse and you see couples sitting close to each other. Visit the mall and there are couples everywhere: a tall white guy dragging a dark Filipino woman barely even five feet, old white haired couples, lesbian couples, teenage couples, gay couples, clandestine lovers, all sorts of couple personalities. And it was like, waaaahhhh, is there no life left for the single woman these days?

Let's visit some scenarios in the hospital, for example. A Jane Doe arrives at the ER with no one. Her chances of dying is much higher than if a patient with the same case, even if she has no penny left, arrives with a husband who can run around to look for funds. In developed countries, being a female, by itself, entails a greater chance of dying of a heart attack without any aggressive intervention. Here in our country, a single woman who has a myocardial infarction might not even reach the hospital at all. Single ladies admitted at ward 1 (our female ward) usually end up being ambubagged by interns, deserted by watchers (usually their nieces or nephews), or sent home against medical advise just when it is almost certain they would die on their way home. Female doctors, those really old ones who are undeniable experts in their fields, are grumpy and mean. No matter how much money they have or how elegant their coiffs are, they are simply annoying and are objects of ridicule to some of their students.

Hmmmm. On the other hand, in my current state of singlehood heaven, I am free. I travel, I learn, I explore, I do what I want, I live! And I am still nice! Should I exchange freedom for comfort?

Oh well, there's no use asking this question. There is simply no existing dilemma at all. Singlehood, for the moment, is a necessity, not a choice. It was brought upon me by circumstance, not by decision. For now, singlehood must, by perforce, be the path I should proudly take.

My fairy godmother must be a grumpy single, stingy, niggardly old scrooge. She must have been so miserable about her solitary existence that she doesn't want me to indulge in a few kilig moments with a suitable man. She just doesn't want me to run into my match yet.

Oh geeez. Life's just not fair. It's mean and illogical. It's unpredicatable, it doesn't make sense. It has hot flashes and temper tantrums. Which brings me to believe that perhaps, just perhaps, Life must be a middle aged unmarried woman afraid for her eggs. No wonder Life's a bitch. She must be a spinster too.

Another Great One From a Great One

Today I was witness to another surreal experience - that sheer joy of seeing your students walk down the academic aisle as certified experts in their fields. Five years ago, they were timid, nervous young ones dressed in their white med school uniforms or in their disheveled and messed up scrubs, trembling in front of you during the dreaded Medicine morning endorsements. Now, they're proud and confident board certified internists ready to take on new challenges in their professional lives, living up to society's great expectations and their own secret dreams.

Looking at them all dolled up in their cocktail dresses and barongs, I can only be sure of one thing - that these bright and idealistic ones will one day be leaders in their fields. They will not fade away into oblivion. Instead, they will shine. They will one day teach me, one day heal me, like they already have during the past years.

I would like to believe that I was a part of their growth. Even just a miniscule part is good enough for me.

Anyway, enough for this stage mom drama factor.

Many days ago, I found out that the graduating batch chose my favorite teacher as their commencement speaker. Predictably enough, despite the many tasks lined up for the morning, I brought my thick folders of unread ECGs to the PGH auditorium to watch the great man speak. I have already posted several of his speeches in this blog, one of which, was touchingly mentioned in his latest speech.

Seeing your students graduate is definitely one of life's greatest joys. Hearing your teacher tell a huge crowd that a simple gesture you did long ago created a huge impact - oh boy, that's really something, isn't it?

But I'm not gloating here (LOL!). The point of this post is this speech. Here is another great one from a great one.

Here goes...

Dr Mejia, members of the exe-com, fellow ordinary faculty members, graduating fellows and residents, dear parents, relatives and friends, good morning!

Let me start by thanking the graduating residents of 2010 for inviting me to speak to you today. As you know, I am inherently shy about public speaking. But because I love you all, I decided to accept.

The first person I asked for advise on what to say was my worst critic –my wife. This is what she said – “Tony, you’re always so abstract when you speak to graduates. Why don’t you give them concrete advice this year? Something they can actually use?”

Medyo nasaktan ako sa kaniyang pananalita. Hindi naman ako abstract e. To which she said “Of course you are! You cant help wax philosophical. The other year you advised them to put big rocks in their jars! What does that even mean?”

Tapos may pahabol pa siya. “And for God’s sake, don’t do another SMS survey this year. Gasgas na yan!” She was reading my mind. Napadala ko na yung survey e. So i had to ignore the results. My apologies to my respondents.

But OK. Fine! I can do concrete. And no surveys, everything will be from me. These past 2 days – I have been crafting this just for you, so here they are - 5 tips on what to do after graduation to help you overcome the obstacles hurled your way. I hope you find them useful.

Tip #1. Volunteer for 1 thing you like to do, and then say no to one thing else that you don’t. The curse of the new grad is being the youngest. You’re the trash bin for things that nobody wants to do. But this is the best way to lose yourself. One way to avoid this is to find that thing that you have passion for - that thing that gets you up in the morning, raring to go - and take it. For me, it’s teaching and seeing patients. Administrative work is a chore so I try my best to be needed at the front lines!

The philosophy is simple. If you fill your time with things you like to do, then your bosses lose elbow room to make you do things you don’t like! You can do this as early as the job interview. Don’t ask what they need. Be proactive! Tell them what you’re excited to do. If you do this successfully the first time, the next time will be even easier. Soon, you’ll find yourself doing the things you love, and as Confucius says, “you will never have to work another day in your life.”

Tip #2. Revive a hobby from your younger days and protect time for it. Get a life. You need to do something other than medicine, to be good in medicine. Most of us give up the things we like to do during training, but we need them to revive our tired spirits, and keep us excited about work.

Now note that I said, pick one from your younger days. Hobbies developed during adult life tend to be expensive – gambling, golf, collecting jewelry. Avoid these. Kawawa ang patient. Also note, you need to protect your time for that hobby. Otherwise you will lose it again.

Maybe you used to have a sport? A musical instrument you’ve stopped playing? I am sure there are many things you can find. For me, it has been badminton, biking, ballroom dancing, reuniting my closet band, maintaining my aquarium, even doing carpentry. I used to play with my children, but now only my dog wants to play with me. Ok lang yan. There are many things to choose from. But for starters, just choose one. Whatever it is, keep it raw and simple and real – just like in your younger days.

Before I say tip #3, let me do a quick survey. How many of you were born after 1970? Well here’s tip #3 – if you were born after 1970, computerize your clinic. The more I have second thoughts about this tip, the more convinced I am that it’s important advice. It doesn’t need to be expensive or complicated. It doesn’t need to be perfect right away! Even a word processor will be a tremendous improvement over paper files. Computers have an immense capacity to improve patient care – from decision support systems, to medical news alerts, and drug-interaction checkers. If you don’t understand how, then you’re sinking into the abyss of antiquity.

The most common objection i have encountered is that computers can interfere with eye contact and interpersonal interactions. This is a tired excuse. If you want to improve eye contact, stop texting and throw away your cellular phone.

Tip#4 – get sick. I don’t mean to wish you bad health here. Don’t get too sick. Just sick enough to need to see a doctor. It’s a different view from the other end of the stethoscope. The tests and treatments you thought were so cheap? They’re not so cheap when you’re the one paying! The 3 hour wait outside? That isn’t as short as you thought. And the personal touch we hardly talk about– it’s more important than we thought. For many physicians, including myself, getting sick is a life-changing event. You will be kinder, more caring, and more understanding, more discriminating in your prescriptions. You’ll probably start scheduling your patients, and making sure you see them on time!

And finally tip #5. Write something about yourself that you can read again after several years.

Write about your dreams and aspirations. I don’t mean buying a house or a new car. These aren’t aspirations, they’re earthly desires. Write about your beliefs and principles. What you consider right and wrong. Or what kind of doctor you want to become, and what you want to avoid becoming. Every now and then when you feel tired and lost, or even when you just feel nostalgic, let the young enthusiastic graduate in you wake you up to remind you of who you really are.

Now I never really did this intentionally. But last year, Jean Alcover showed me something I wrote in 1986 during the graduation ceremonies of the department of medicine. I was speaking on behalf of the graduating residents. Just to give you a background, I was reacting to a challenge by then secretary Mita Pardo de Tavera, that internal medicine had become irrelevant because 90% of the population couldn’t afford the care that we were trained to give in PGH. Here was the reaction of this 28 year old graduate, and I quote:

“The lessons in PGH by far outweigh the misery. And among its lessons, the lesson of relevance is both the simplest and most fascinating. Think about it. The hospital doesn't run on equipment, for there is hardly any, and it certainly doesn't run on money. This hospital runs on the hearts and minds of men and women who have chosen the art of healing ... And healing well. It runs on patriotism and love for god and fellow man. The day these ideals become irrelevant, will be the day our dreams and aspirations end. On that day, the philippine general hospital will cease to exist.”

This was true 25 years ago. And it still is true today. The paragraph reminded me about why I was here, and what I wanted to do. It came at a time when I was tired and low and it didn’t make sense why I was wasting my career in a low income setting. Then almost right away, everything was ok.

So do yourself that favor. Write something. Even a short paragraph. Blog it, post it in facebook or tweet it. But also print it so it can’t be lost. It might rescue you in the future when your path is going astray. Sometimes, the person you need to talk to is yourself.

In summary, these are the 5 concrete tips that i offer:

#1 Volunteer for something you like to do, and say no to some thing that you don’t. Build your career around things you love to do, and you will never have to work another day.

#2 revive a hobby from your younger days, and protect time for it. Keep it raw and pure and simple and it will restore some years you’ve lost.

#3 if you were born after 1970, computerize your clinic. It doesn’t need to be complex and expensive. It doesn’t even need to be perfect at once. A word processor can do wondrous things.

#4 Get sick. But not very sick. See what it’s like at the other end of the stethoscope. Then use that experience to enrich your practice.

#5 Write something about yourself, to read when you’re down and troubled. Let the person you are today, remind you later about what you really want.

There are many more things I wanted to say, but I didn’t want to make such a long speech. Lets just meet in facebook and discuss! There you can like or unlike, agree or disagree. My ID is Tony Dans!

Now, my wife was right, I cannot help but wax a little philosophical too. So allow me to leave with a final word of advice. Your training here wasn’t just meant to make you good practitioners or teachers or researchers. You were trained to be something more – to be leaders. Maybe we didn’t train you by words, but certainly by example from your illustrious faculty.

Have no doubt about it. You will be called upon to lead. And as leaders, you are not designed to maintain the status quo. You are designed to challenge the establishment. Because of this, two things become most important in your career. First, the ability to see what’s wrong, even when no one else can. And second, the strength and courage to fight for change. In the process, some people will dislike you, because change is never easy. Some may even hate you. That’s OK. Just remember what Colin Powell said – if everybody likes you, you must be doing something wrong. You don’t have to hate anyone back. With the 5 tips I propose, you can begin this process of change. And note that none of them began with others, – they all begin with you!

So, on behalf of the faculty of the department of medicine, we bid you farewell and god speed. We are immensely proud of all of you, and what you have done during your stay. You are like our children to us. I think I speak for all faculty members when I say - thank you for touching our lives.

Now go out and change the world - one step at a time, always starting with yourself. Remember what a great philosopher once said: ”do or do not. There is no try.”

Thank you!

Keynote speech by Dr. Antonio Dans. UP-PGH Department of Medicine Graduation. February 17, 2011.

Men Bashing 101

I wonder why I keep running into assholes. All my life, this has been among my gravest misfortunes, undeserved I must insist. Despite my generally sweet, selfless, and charming nature, my recent dealings with the opposite sex have been mostly limited to close encounters with the appalling kind (mostly, take note). For some reason, the closer I get to know these men, the stench of their backsides become more pronounced and outright revolting. I wish these people would understand what sensitivity is all about and how to live it. Thoughtfulness should be a characteristic of all human beings, not just of gay men. The formula is supposed to be simple – not everything in the world revolves around you. You are not the center of the solar system. Your asshole is not the center of the human body either (or is it?).

Masculinity is not and must not be equated with that superior degree of contemptible insensitivity, as if this subspecies of the male kind is utterly immune from the universality of that basic tenet of life we call “The Golden Rule”. It’s supposed to be easy. Before doing anything, every person, male or female, must consider: would I needlessly hurt anyone?

Maybe this subspecies of males should remember those billboards way back in the 1980s. They were called the Rotary Club’s 4-Way Test: 1. Is it the truth? 2. Is it fair to all concerned? 3. Will it bring goodwill and better friendships? 4. Will it be beneficial to all concerned?

Maybe these types don’t know how to read. They just go through their lives doing as they please.

On the other hand, assholes are extremely charming. I admit I have a thing for them.

Good thing I have bowel movement regularly and I still fart occasionally. This means my one asshole is working. Assholes all over the place and all up for grabs? Uhhmmm, no thank you, kind sirs. Mine is still working well. One ass hole is good enough for me.

Disclaimer: To all my male readers, this post is not intended for you. Bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan, deadma!

Aborted Extinction

This blog is dying. My last post was almost four months ago and I still can't get a decent post out of my head today. My dearest blogger friends have stopped sending me text messages asking when I will be writing again. I have almost faded away from the blogging world, and just like any other unimportant writer, I will vanish into oblivion and be eternally forgotten.

So, if anybody out there cares, how am I?

Well, unimportant as I am, I will tell the world that... I've been great! The past few months have been a struggle against voluntary extinction, I should say. But the worst is over. After that initial decision to just acquiesce and fade away, something just flickers inside you again that would make you take that extra deep gasp. Wait, world! I still want to live!!!

With that new-found desire and thirst for life in mind, you rise up from your coma and start breathing on your own again. The sensation is lovely. The feeling is surreal. Every breath becomes a blessing, every step you take is a step away from sweet comfortable darkness. And then you just live. And you choose to go on living.

I am writing again. This blog will choose to live. This woman too.

From the Outside Looking In

Since October started, I have been reporting to that heart hospital in far-away Quezon City. It is an awfully frightening responsibility to be removed from one's home base, but it does help to step away once in a while. Somehow, it allows us to view things from a different perspective. It does require some distance and some emotional detachment for us to see things objectively. A new vantage point will afford us a closer examination at our own weaknesses and to appreciate our own strengths.

On the bus home, I usually reminisce about each day's work. I thank God for the people I met in the new workplace, the new bits of knowledge that I acquired, the different diseases that I never saw in my hospital, the amazing surgical procedures that they were able to accomplish and which we will probably never do in the next few years. I marvel at their technology, their air-conditioned premises, the eminence of their teachers. Over there, the male doctors wear long-sleeved shirts and ties, while in my home-base, my male colleagues would rather wear jeans. There, they have 6 by-pass machines, here we only have 1. They do aneurysm surgeries left and right, peripheral artery bypass is a common procedure. They have Cell-Saver, ECMO, heart-lung machines, all sorts of technology my poor old hospital will never get to afford.

Perhaps I never should have stayed in my home base. The world outside is big. It's much bigger than my UP-PGH.

But I remembered what I had back home. Last night I stayed up late in my office's conference room, while taking advantage of the free Wi-Fi. I was elated over my students' (who are now Tayns' babies because of my absence) awesome performance in a class activity. I reread my favorite teacher's speech and shed tears again. I chatted with some old colleagues and students through Facebook. I spent the night in my callroom and woke up to the sound of the rattling LRT rails. Early this morning, my oldest consultant had me check his emails and his Pubmed account. He also showed me the nth revision of his paper on heart failure and digoxin. I could not leave while he still wanted to talk about the benefits of digitalis, so I left my home-hospital much later than I should.

I am in my home-hospital again, now, as I write. The conference room is in a mess. Tayns is busy printing the students' exam. That annoying duty phone is ringing again. Leora is still typing the echo results. There was a half-eaten chocolate cake on the table. Some small mice are running around, unafraid of the humans in the room. Dave dropped by to watch his telenovela. Junjun is relating how Dr. Abelardo started everybody's morning by exclaiming, "Putang ina! Ang galing ng mge estudyante kahapon!" Sometimes I doubt if this is really the best place to train. This may not be the institution that will make the best cardiologists out of us. We are all tired. We are all underpaid. We may be, just maybe, stuck in the wrong place.

But this is home. And there is no place like it. Definitely, most definitely, this is where I'd rather be.

The Inconveniences of Going Solo

I have been traveling around the country for several years already. Aside from affirming my initial notion that this country is indeed breathtakingly beautiful, my journeys along the countrysides have made me realized that this world, this country included, is not at all friendly or the least bit indulgent to the solo traveler.

Take a look at restaurants, for example. No, not even those fancy ones. Pick those cheap, mass-driven fast-food joints such as Jollibee and McDonald's. Whatever branch you visit, there is never a table good only for one person. Even the fast-foods are biased to group customers and couples. Darn couples. Why is it that the best restaurant deals are good for two? Why can't dining be good for one person only?

Due to my chronic lack of travel company, I've been forced to shell out more than what is necessary. Travel packages are for big groups, or at least two people. Hotel rooms, even beach cottages, are for two people. Boat rides, tricycle rides, even hiking guides are priced for couples. Solo travelers like me would have to settle for the chance to hitch with strangers, or if other travelers are not around, we would have to pay a huge extra amount just to be able to get around.

Aside from the ridiculous expense that comes with traveling solo, I occasionally get those annoying Spanish-inquisition looks from the locals. Why does a woman like you travel alone? Are you doing research on our culture? Are you planning to do something crazy (like an abortion or drugs) when you're alone? Are you a nun planning to go on meditation? Do you intend to commit suicide? Sometimes, I get so tired of having to explain my solitude that I just nod and say "yes" to all those questions.

There was this one time, when I was in Samar, I chose to have a huge bottle of San Miguel Beer while I sat on the sand by the beach watching the stars. I was surprised that the caretaker of that deserted resort sent over his female house-help and his 15-year old son to stay within 10 meters from where I was supposed to be getting my epiphanies. When I asked the nice Manang why they weren't in their rooms sleeping, she told me, "Sabi po kasi ni Kuya, baka daw anong gagawin nyo." I ended up talking to her and giving her half my beer.

I am heading to El Nido in Palawan at the end of this month. My favorite travel buddy, J of the McDreamy fame, has vanished to oblivion (as always). My good friend from North Palawan would be stuck in his hospital. In all probability, I will be exploring the most beautiful place in the world alone.

Alone. Alone. Alone. I am that suspicious, solitary entity who will perpetually be stuck outside the rest of the world dreaming, wondering what it would be like to belong to someone other than myself.

Even if it seems unlikely, I do hope that solitude is not my destiny. I do need company. I need someone to dine with, to travel with. To split the expenses with, to share that big beach cottage with. To to talk to when some crazy idea bothers me, to be quiet with. I need someone to listen to when I'm tired of hearing myself talk (which is most of the time). I need someone to walk with in the morning. I need someone to have half my beer.

If there's anyone out there who's interested to tag along, I'd be very grateful. I won't bite. I won't be a burden. I won't usurp your own solitude. We will be as the strings of a lute - we will make good music together because we will stand on our own.

Come on now. I'm not so bad. I am actually nice. I might actually be interesting.

You! Yes, you. Will you come travel with me?