Resolutions for 2012

It has been an awesome year. As 2011 is ending, I can't keep Beyonce's song out of my mind:

I wanted you bad, I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
You turned out to be the best thing I never had,
And I'm gonna always be the best thing you never had,
Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now!

Somehow I picture myself as a sexy, beautiful woman in a see-through white lace lingerie belting out that song with a glimmer in her eyes and a big smile on her face. Ahahahahaha, boy, it feels soooo good to be over someone. Especially if the telenovela fantasy drama of your life has been five years of unrequited love, based merely on your irrational and delusional dreams to make a bestselling novel out of your life. The result: you break your heart but eventually became that strong, successful, wise woman you are now. Ahahahaha, I feel even more divalicious than Beyonce.

So as this year is ending, I took advantage of the relative peace and quiet of my "apartment" at the Cardiovascular complex of the hospital where I work in and made a list of the things I resolve to change in my life for 2012. Here are some of them...

1. Look and feel beautiful all the time. Wear more make-up. Upgrade my wardrobe and dress up fabulously. Buy sexy lingerie. Wear heels and learn how to walk on them like a Victoria Secret supermodel (I have Superbass and Moves Like Jagger playing on my iPod while I type this, that's why). Get regular pedicures, and facials, and hair treatment. Basta, feel like that beautiful, sexy woman I really am.

2. Live healthy. This has been my struggle ever since forever. But this year, with my age going up and my metabolism slowing down, I need to take this more seriously. Eat more greens and fruits. Stop eating red meat. Maintain my regular jogs along Roxas Boulevard. Get enough sleep. Drink enough fluids. Stop drinking sugar-sweetened beverages.

3. Think healthy. Be more optimistic. Trust people. Trust my God. Believe in miracles. Stop thinking that I'm fat because I'm not! Ahahaha.

How about you? Any new year's resolutions?

The Scales Don't Lie

Today, after weeks of denial, I finally faced one of my greatest fears - the weighing scale. I've been neglecting my one-year-old diet and exercise regimen (consisting mostly of twice weekly jogs along Roxas Boulevard and moderate food intake) since September this year. After losing 8 kilos since early 2010, I've vowed to never exceed my normal body mass index (BMI) again. However, due to sheer carelessness and my inertia that seems to be certainly heading towards slothdom, it's been several months since I've completely lost my resolve to be healthy. I've stopped looking at the scales, however, citing the "what-you-don't-know-won't-hurt-you" clause in my book of personal laws.

This morning, I woke up feeling bloated and heavy. I looked at myself in the mirror and observed a resurrection of my ugly belly fat and lovehandles (which were never lost, just became a bit more trimmed). My recent attack of hypersensitivity to jellyfish stings which I got from my recent trip to Puerto Galera made me look even uglier. I had welts, scratch marks, and wheals all over my body. I found myself really disgusting that I almost vomited. And then the clincher moment came. I was supposed to wear my Cardiology shirt for a dance number. I tried but it just wouldn't fit me anymore.

And so, full of self-loathing, I finally decided to check my weight. Lo and behold (but not surprisingly), I weighed 3 kgs more than my weight in November this year. This is 5 kgs more than my weight exactly a year ago when I finally achieved my normal BMI. After months of dieting and running by the bay, I'm almost back to my old weight. More than one year if hard work now brought to waste.

I tried to justify my rapid and rather shocking weight gain, conjured up reasons that might have aggravated the sudden change of the scales. Since my allergic attack, I've been self-medicating on steroids, but only for a few days. As a doctor, I know that even a few days of high-dose steroids won't give me 3 kgs. Yes, this could be PMS. I'm nearing my period and this may be the stage of water retention. But still, 3 kgs is just too much to be simply attributed to PMS. Not even to constipation. Or the weight of the jeans I was wearing when I weighed myself.

The simple truth has to be faced. It's the lechon, the countless bags of chips, the bars of chocolate, the plates of rice, the slices of cake, the slabs of meat, the buffet breakfasts, the tubs of ice cream that I mindlessly consumed the past 3 months. If only I could vomit them all out now, I would. But of course, there's the steroids, the PMS and the constipation.

If only anorexic is something I could will myself to be. I'm already conditioning my mind to be an anorexic now. Think Victoria Secret models. Think Miss Universe. Think America's Next Top Model.

I'm not eating. Starting tomorrow.

Procrastination, Atbp.

Ever since I started fellowship for Adult Cardiology in March 2009, sinabi ko na sa sarili ko na mag-aaral na talaga ako. Pano ba naman, ang dami dami ko nang kinuhang exam, di pa rin ako nagbago. Hindi pa rin ako marunong mag-aral. Nung 2004, nung kumuha ako ng board exams para sa Medicine, habang ang iba ay nagkakaroon na ng eye bags sa kakapuyat sa pag-aaral, hindi pa rin nagbago ang study habits ko. Tulog at 10 PM, gising by 4am para mag-aral, then nap at 10 am, then aral uli by 12 pm, then nap ulit by 3 pm, then aral ulit by 6 pm. Ganun. Mas marami yata ang tulog. Unimaginable for someone taking the board exams. But that's what worked for me. Pumasa naman ako. At swerte pa, kasama pa sa top 20.

Ganun din sa board exams ng Internal Medicine. Habang yung iba kong ka-batch ay off na by December 15 for a January 27 exam, ako ay nagtrabaho pa rin. Binigyan lang ako ng leave 2 weeks before the exam para tumutok sa aming librong si Harrison's. Pero di pa rin nagbago ang study habits ko. Di ko pa rin kayang magpuyat. Kung dalawin ako ng antok, natutulog ako. Sa kabutihang palad ulit, maayos naman ang kinalabasan. Sa di pagmamayabang, nasa 98th percentile naman ang beauty ko. So masaya na ako.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, this time, for the Cardiology Boards, hindi pwedeng half-hearted aral lang. Since this is probably my last board exams ever, kelangan bonggang bongga ang performance ko dito. Dapat topnotcher (char!). Di pwedeng pasang awa lang. Di pwedeng ligwakin ng Heart Center o kaya St. Luke's ang PGH. Kelangan kinakareer ang-aaral para dito.

Pero heto. Naluma na yung Braunwald 8th edition ko. Iilang chapters pa lang ang nabasa ko. Ngayon may bago na namang edition. Di ko pa rin nababasa. Kaya tuloy pirated version na lang ang binili ko. Baka kasi masasayang ko na naman. Three months na lang, I will be done with my fellowship. Finally. Time to jumpstart my life. But before I do that, I would need to pass my final hurdle - the adult cardiology specialty board exams this coming April 2012. Pero sa halip na mag-aral, iba ang ginagawa ko. Halimbawa na lang ay ang mga sumusunod:

1. Paghahanap ng lalaki - Nabanggit ko na sa previous post ko. No further elaborations are needed.

2. Paghahanap ng promo fare at pagpapalano ng bakasyon - Syempre naman. After 7 years of residency and fellowship training, I couldn't wait to go on a long vacation. Gusto kong mag-adventure ulit. After Batanes in 2009, I want to backpack around Palawan. I want to explore every town, including Cuyo and Cagayancillo. Pero pipe dream naman yata yan. Hindi dahil kelangan ko mag-aral, but dahil wala akong enough na pera.

3. Pagsasayaw kasama ang mga histrionic na Cardio fellows - Lahat ng party, my sayaw. At dapat bongga. Ayan, di tuloy nakakapagbuklat man lang ng Braunwald.

4. Pagiisip ng mga linya ng kanta - Halimbawa... Braunwald ka ba, (kasi naman kasi), pinapaikot mo ang utak ko (naman kasi). Defib ka ba (kasi, kasi) kinukuryente mo ang puso ko (naman kasi). Atropine ka ba (kasi, kasi) you make my heart go faster. PVC ka ba, e di PVC rin ako para couplet tayo. MI ka ba (kasi, kasi) nagcacardiogenic shock ako sa ýo.

Haaay. Ang hirap ng maraming inaatupag. Pero mas masaya naman ang ganitong buhay, di ba? Pag namatay ako, di naman siguro ninyo ako tatanungin ko ilang pages ng Braunwald ang binasa ko. Pero maaalala nyo yung mga byahe ko, o ang mga kanta kong ginawa (char!). Besides, kung nag-top ako dun sa mga dati kong exam, baka pag nag-aral ako this time, di na ako magtotop (Tama! Ako na!).

Bukas, mag-aaral na ako. Promise.

(Vtach ka ba (kasi, kasi) you are really really hard to catch. Stet ka ba (kasi, kasi) you know I can't rounds without you. Pa-protime nga (aahaaah) para laging nasa target kita. Pa-bypass nga (aaaahaaah), para laging nasa bedside kita...)

Maginoo Pero Medyo...

Maginoo, pero medyo lang. I'm changing my requirements for an ideal guy. After countless encounters with those tall, mysterious, smart, courteous, men-you-can-bring-home-to-daddy types, I'm giving up. Wala pa rin naman kasing nangyayari. Despite all the batting of eyelashes, the flicking of the hair, the exposing of the neck, the constant flashing of my trying-hard toothpaste-commercial smiles, he still doesn't fall for my trap. Kulang pa rin.

Bakit? Smart naman ako? And di naman ako pangit (sabi nung tricycle driver kanina). And for crying out loud, sinubukan ko namang maging malandi. True, kulang pa siguro ang efforts ko. Nung tumitig sya sa mga mata ko, napapatingin ako palayo. Masyado kasing intense. Di ko kaya, nakakalunod. One time pa, this really cute guy I met out-of-town brought me home to my hotel. We were both drunk. I meant drunk enough to lose some inhibitions but not drunk enough to lose interest in, ehem, you know. When we were saying goodbye, he stepped a bit closer and my manang-signals suddenly screeched and turned awry. All I did was grimly pat his back and say, "Thanks for the great time, (pare)." Putcha! Ang loser!!! When he walked away, I was like, whaaattthe!!!

Nakakaloka. Ayan tuloy. Because of all my whining and all my bitching about my inner manang and my eternal singlehood, sabi nung co-fellow ko frigid daw ako. Pwe!!! Frigid, grrrr. Di naman yata. Frigid ba ako? I looked up the word in the dictionary and ang meaning pala nun ay "unresponsive and inhibited" in carnal matters. Uhhmmm, talaga? Leche namang buhay 'to, oo. What am I supposed to do then? Kung may nabibiling perfume na may mga pheromones, bibilhin ko na yun at gagawin kong pampaligo. Siguro kelangan ko ng sign sa noo ko saying "NOT FRIGID!". Hmmmm, kukuha ako ng account sa eharmony, sa match.com, or sa filipinocupid.com, or sa adultfriendfinder. Baka may mabingwit akong foreigner na mayaman na aggressive. Masubukan nga.

Ayoko na ng mga shy. Ayoko na ng masyadong seryoso, kahit yung may sense of humor pero masyado namang gentleman, ayoko na rin. Of course, OK naman kung mabait. Pero mas OK yata yung medyo may angas rin. Yung di nahihiyang humingi ng goodnight kiss. Yung mga gumagamit ng mga korning pick-up lines paminsan-minsan. Yung mapapailing ka na lang dahil sa sobrang kapreskohan.

Ang hirap naman kasi kung ang lalaki ay masyadong mabait. Ikaw pa ang kelangan mag-effort. Kulang na lang, sabihin mo out loud, "Hey kuya, pwede mo akong hawakan." Hmp! Di ako demure, pero ayoko naman sabihin yun. Syempre, kelangan may konti pa ring kahinhinan.
Sabi nga nila, people put up walls so they will know who will be strong enough to break them. Sige, next time, I'll make my walls really really low, made of kawayan instead of concrete.

Hay naku. Baka kelangan mag-enroll sa personality class. Or magpalagay ng silicone sa boobs, or magpalagay ng pwet, or magpa-lipo. Or magbasa ng sangkatutak na mga libro on seduction. Or lumipat na lang sa Saudi. Sabi kasi sa news, dun daw ang may pinakamataas na male to female ratio. Di ba the more entries you send, the more chances of winning? Or magpa-change na lang kaya ako ng kasarian. Kung lalaki ako, baka may mahuli pa akong sing-gwapo ni Piolo.

Sabi ng mga friends ko, kelangan ko lang daw kasi is "to put myself out there". Eto na. I'm already out here. Last ditch attempt. Pushed against the wall na. Eggs under fire, nearing expiration date. I'm putting it in writing. Kelangan ko ng lalaki. Kahit hindi gwapo, basta marunong mag-spelling at di jejemon mag-text. Kahit di matalino pero nagbabasa naman ng konti ng libro. Kahit di marunong kumanta basta kilala ang Beatles. Basta ba lalaki. Kahit walang abs, kahit malakas mag-extra rice. Basta lang di nanlalalaki.

Desperada na ba? Ah basta, sana dumating ka na, kuya! And remember, OK kung maginoo ka, pero mas OK rin kung medyo lang.