Saturday, June 18, 2011

Sotanghon Club

There's an epidemic of anorexia nervosa in town. After watching too many beauty pageants and reading too many beauty magazines all featuring women with waists as narrow as my upper arm and legs as small as my wrists, my co-fellows Diva and Thymes finally decided to get serious on being waifs. Even Meggy and Deggy have joined the bandwagon. We have been so enthusiastic about being big losers that even our section secretary Madam Ihhhsh is having Coke Zero for breakfast and lunch.

I have been on Metformin for months, delighting on the iatrogenic diarrhea it induces. Occasionally, I get samples of Orlistat from the kind med rep who knows I need whatever help I can get (because I'm broke and I can't afford my own bloody supply!). I've been losing weight at a snail's pace, but after 12 months, my pants are dropping and my ass is getting flat as a plank. Not a very good prognosis for my dream bikini before all the men I liked are all married, but good enough.

Then all of a sudden, Diva and Thymes began their terrifying 1000 calorie per day penance. Thymes' clothes are getting loose and she's showing her shoulders more often, Diva's white coat can now be draped around himself twice (exaggerating of course), and I'm like, oh no, they shouldn't catch up! After some snooping around, I discovered their dirty little secret - Lucky Me Sotanghon Lite!

This MSG-loaded low-calorie treat is sure to send a heart failure patient to acute congestion and a chronic kidney disease patient to emergency hemodialysis. Despite its extraordinary doses of preservatives and salt and whatever hazardous chemicals there are, we love it! A jumbo bowl is only 150 kcal and it's salty enough it can give you a headache after a few sips of its soup. Add one pack of Sky Flakes Lite and voila, you have a 280 calorie meal that leaves you sated (and sleepy as well).

After I discovered this Sotanghon meal, I couldn't help but be thankful that I (still) have a good heart and an OK pair of kidneys. If this is my ticket to being a Kate Moss or even a Natalie Portman (in The Black Swan), I wouldn't mind losing a few years of kidney life.

This morning I woke up with diarrhea. While I was going at it, I could smell Sotanghon all over. Guess what my poop looked like. Lucky Me Sotanghon Lite.

Bye, waifdom. I'd rather have my old poop back.

1 comment:

will said...

MEGGY AND DEGGY! AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH bagay ang mga codenames ahahahahahhahaha. I always have to take a second look pag tinawag ako ni thines dahil paliit na sya ng paliit ahahahahahaha