Tuesday, December 22, 2009


This weekend, I've been hearing the stern voice of my beloved boss, Dr. ADM, in my head again and again. "Jean, be consistent!" Irritated by my incessant lack of regularity and cohesiveness in my decision making, she has repeatedly reprimanded me and has given me constant reminders on my need for a stronger, more predictable and definite set of principles, and a less stormy reaction to circumstances.

While I have long discarded my control-freak-obsessive-compulsive-stickler-for-schedules-and-itineraries attitude, I occasionally get bouts of this disease. Each time I get this, I hear Dr. ADM again, "Jean, be consistent." Hence, I have decided to be patient, to move away from rigid routine and schedules and be more flexible. I have decided to be lenient, to tolerate the imperfections others, to never get mad, and to be gentle at all times. I have to stick to this decision. And I have to stick to this decision consistently.

This weekend, I had a terrible bout of this dreaded disease of mine. A good friend became the unfortunate witness to the appalling inconsistencies of my personality that I almost lost him completely (something tells me I already did). The characteristic temper that made me smash guitars, break mirrors, or even shout curses at shocked, unsuspecting patients overpowered me again. Yes sir, this "shy" lady did not get a formal complaint filed at the Commission on Human Rights for nothing.

Anyway, my poor friend, one of the greatest I've ever had in years, and perhaps the gentlest and most patient person I've ever met in my 30 years of existence, became the unfortunate witness (or victim) to my verbal tirades and futile seething rage. There were no bottles broken or bleeding noses, but there were prides smashed and hearts bruised. Indeed, sticks and stones may break our bones, but words can break our hearts. The inevitable result was a relationship that's permanently scarred, or perhaps even fatally severed, a good friendship that is perhaps now irrevocably gone.

No apology can ever be enough. No explanation or justification can soothe the hurt I caused. I have inflicted wounds I don't have the capacity to heal. Will forgiveness come? Sigh, I can only wish for it, and wait, and wait... Que sera, sera...

On second thought, I realized there's that one pervasive, recurring distinction in my life, thank goodness! That L sign on my forehead - I guess that's my enduring, constant, unrelenting feature. Haha! Loser! In that aspect, I AM unbelievably consistent. So perhaps, well at least, I'm not that unpredictable after all.

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